Is this love?

It's 1 o'clock in the morning on you're on my mind. I'm thinking of you all the time. I can't explain what I'm feeling right now. If you were to tell at this very moment that you will never be with me I wouldn't be sad because you have still done so much for me. But I mean if I'm so ready to let you go (more like have you let me go), then why can't I just make you an after thought. Is this love?

If so...what's the cure because it's driving me crazy. How can I be so calm and so anxious all at the same time. So giddy yet so mature. How can I be so many things at once. Is this love. How can I be so ready to let you leave, but at the same wanting so much to be a better man so than I can someday be with you. Is this love? I can't shake you, no matter how hard I try. Do you think of me as much as I think of you? lol that's a silly question. I'm probably just an after thought to you by now....But why doesn't that make me sad?? Shouldn't that hurt inside? Maybe it's because I know you deserve better. Why do I commit hours to writing letters you will never read? Is that love? I don't know....All I know is that I want you to be happy. And if that means you have to start over than that's what I want for you. You deserve to be happy.

I don't know why I sent you the letter on Christmas? Was that love? I keep telling myself I did it because of the new year approaching but I think it was more than that. I felt like if you did decide to close this chapter you needed a final page. So that;s why I did it. I felt I owed it to you. In terms of the money and the wheels and the look I'm still as bad as I was before (if not worse) but I think I love you...and even thought I don't have alot of money, or a car, or the perfect body. I have alot of love in my heart. I have a lot of kindness and compassion. I think the things that I do have are what drew you to me and I let the things that I don't have drive you away, and that is a mistake that will haunt me for the rest of my life. But I can't change the past I can only shape my future. I love you. And I know why I love you. I love you because you are the single most beautiful person I have ever met. And I am not afraid to tell you that anymore. When you are around I see no one else. There is no one else on this earth but you and I. I see you for the person you are on the inside. I don't care about the outside. I really don't. You are sweet and loving. You love God and you are genuine. I couldn't ask for anyone better.

I just don't know what to do. After all the thinking, thinking, and thinking some more...i guess all I can do is sit back and let things take there course. I think I remember you talking about going to college on the east coast. Maybe that's your reset button. maybe that's your fresh start. And honestly I'm ok with that. Because I still feel like I need to work on getting the material things even thought you probably don't care about that kind of stuff. I still feel like I need to work on it. I'm sorry. I cant help it. It's a big flaw of mine and I know it's bad but i can't shake it. I just have this fear that if I don't get the physical things in life we won't last. I guess that's a pretty dumb way to think. I am trying so hard to work on that. Every Single day.

But no matter what happens. I still love you. And I will always love you. Whether you keep me, toss me, or put me on hold. I have and will always love you..........Because you are greatest thing to ever happen to me.